Why do conflicts arise between mother and adult daughter? How to get rid of conflicts between mother and daughter Spiritual weapons against fear

Our expert - family psychologist, art therapist, business coach Olga Zavodilina.

Mom's mistakes

Perception of an adult daughter as a small child

Often, a mother unconsciously perceives her adult daughter as a little girl who does not understand anything and needs constant care.

What is the reason

There are several reasons for this behavior.

Fear that the daughter, feeling independent, will leave and the mother will be left alone. Therefore, the mother unconsciously shows her daughter that she is still small, does not know how, and the mother is well versed in life, so you need to listen to her advice in everything. But an adult daughter wants independence, and a conflict arises.

Fear of old age and death. Many of us have an unconscious feeling: the younger the children, the younger the parents. As soon as the daughter grows up, the mother begins to feel old. This is unpleasant, so the mother continues to consider her daughter a small child.

Reluctance to acknowledge daughter's views

An adult daughter's outlook on life can be very different from her mother's. For example, a daughter has met a man she loves and feels happy. But the mother has her own ideas about how her daughter's man should be. And then the mother begins to impose her views, not paying attention to the fact that the daughter is quite happy.

What is the reason

Unrealized dreams. Parents often try to realize their dreams through their children. That is why the child is taken to circles and sections that parents like, and not him. This continues into adulthood. The mother sincerely tries to make her daughter happy, the way she herself once dreamed of being. But it is hard for a daughter to give up her desires for the sake of her mother, and this leads to frequent quarrels.

The notion that there can only be one truth. Both mothers and daughters are often sure that if their views differ, then someone is wrong. And none of the women can understand that there can be several opinions and each of them has the right to exist.

Competition with daughter

It happens that the mother unconsciously joins the competitive process with her daughter. For example, a daughter calls her mother, wants to get support from her in a difficult situation. And the mother begins to talk about how hard it is for her to live. The daughter begins to feel guilty for disturbing her mother, who already has so many problems. Or another example: a daughter tells her mother that she has prepared an unusual dish. And she, instead of just being happy for her daughter, says that she has known this recipe for a long time and even improved it slightly, thanks to which the food became much tastier. And so every time. As a result, the daughter wants to turn to her mother less and less.

What is the reason

The habit of comparing yourself to others. Such behavior of the mother often indicates that once parents constantly set other children as an example to her. Now the woman has the opportunity to compensate for this by comparing herself with her daughter, but now in her own favor.

The desire to prove their worth. Often a child is praised only if he was able to achieve something. For example, won the competition, received a diploma. As an adult, a person unconsciously continues to compete with others and prove his superiority.

Memories of past hurts

Often, communication between mother and daughter comes down to sorting out relationships, recalling old grievances and claims.

What is the reason

Mother's expectations. At one time, the mother obeyed her parents in everything, giving up her desires. Now she expects the same behavior from her daughter.

Desire to be grateful. The mother believes that for the sake of raising her daughter, she sacrificed her own interests. And now she is waiting for gratitude for it. As a result, the mother complains to her adult daughter that, for example, she prefers to go on a date rather than stay with her mother. After all, a mother once did so much for her child! And even if the daughter begins to sacrifice her life, the mother cannot feel her love and gratitude. This is hindered by resentment towards oneself for having once deprived oneself of the joy of life.

daughter's mistakes

• Indulging mother's scripts. Often the daughter begins either to play along with the mother, or to fight for her rights, destroying the relationship. Meanwhile, it is important to understand that both of you are adult, independent women and you have nothing to share.
• Desire to change your mother. Often an adult daughter tries to teach her mother, demanding that she change. But it is impossible to remake an adult. So is it worth starting a quarrel over this?
• Mother's punishment. Sometimes the daughter tries to punish the mother, "restoring justice." For example, he constantly recalls his childhood grievances, unconsciously trying to make his mother feel guilty.

How to build relationships

In order for peace to reign in the family, both women will have to do quite a lot of work.

• Mothers need to remember that the daughter has already grown up. She herself is responsible for her life and is able to make any decisions. The daughter should also understand that she is an adult independent person and there is no need to aggressively prove this fact.
• Find yourself an interesting occupation and live your own, not someone else's life.
• Remember that everyone can have their own opinion, stop challenging other people's views. Instead, learn to be truly interested in each other. Ask why a loved one has this or that idea. Listen to his point of view.
• Both daughters and mothers need to stop comparing themselves to others. Learn to rejoice and worry about each other without trying to prove your superiority.
• It is important to understand yourself and understand what grievances you have accumulated in relation to each other. Turn to a specialist for help in learning to forgive and not use resentment in communicating with each other.

First Reader

Irina Klimova, actress

If a mother continues to treat her adult daughter like a child, tries to control and does not take into account her opinion, then quarrels are inevitable and relations will not be good.
The best option is when a mother, looking at her growing daughter, gradually becomes her not just a friend, but her best friend.

It is clear that in this case it is difficult to avoid conflict situations. Despite the fact that these are the most dear and close people to each other, it is sometimes very difficult for them to communicate. The tension increases as the daughter grows up and becomes an independent person. The excessive infantilism of a young person also often becomes the cause of accumulated problems. Judge for yourself, if for so many years a mother has always solved all important issues for a child, a girl may not be ready for the fact that now she herself will have to be responsible for her actions and deeds. For her part, the mother, accustomed to total control of the child, will continue to influence her daughter's relationships with friends, classmates, boyfriends, and other people. Obviously, all this will negatively affect the degree of closeness of these people. Yes, there are cases when a daughter dislikes her mother so much that, according to her, she simply “enrages” her. The girl is annoyed with every word spoken by her mother, with any manifestation of care, the mother turns into a person who can be blamed for all the troubles in life.

If a person is dissatisfied with himself, this indirectly affects all family members, they are the first to take a hit. Mom usually plays the role of a lightning rod, she has to listen to all the negativity that has accumulated due to the fact that, say, her daughter did not realize herself in the profession, she does not have enough money, she worries about the uncertainty of her position, relations with a young man. Often a girl reproaches her mother for her failed romance. Moreover, this can happen all without malicious intent, somehow unconsciously. The daughter comes to her mother, as to the person who is obliged to listen and accept her, as it should be. As a result, the mother takes in all the accumulated irritation.

About the causes of the conflict

Mom literally lives the life of her daughter, she should know everything about her, she constantly pities her, sympathizes, worries if she is not in the mood (which, by the way, irritates her daughter). The fear of becoming useless is a great shock to a mother. Yes, if the daughter is independent, this is very important, but it's good when there is a person who is always there, on whom you can rely. Self-control, patience and wisdom will help build relationships and understand why there was a misunderstanding leading to clashes. The correct tactic for resolving a conflict is to try to look at the situation from the outside, analyze the behavior of its participants, mentally put yourself in the place of another in order to better see all the miscalculations and mistakes. According to psychologists, there are several main positions that are characteristic of the behavior of mothers.

Mutual trust and respect is characteristic of the model of friendly relations. In this case, the daughter perceives the mother as an older sister, mentor, friend. This is the most positive form of communication.

Friendly relations can easily move to a new stage of development, where the mother, ashamed of her age, in comparison with her young and beautiful daughter, tries to prove to others that she is still young and attractive. Your own child becomes a competitor and a potential rival.

"Ancestors" at one point become the subject of disappointment to their children. This phenomenon can be attributed to the process of maturation, separation. Constant admiration for the mother will not allow the daughter to escape from her care. But she needs to look for another object of idealization - a man. Guardian-mentor - this is the position that the mother adheres to when communicating with an adult daughter, she still treats her daughter as a little girl, and this is her mistake. With her constant instructions, the mother sets the adult child against herself. Of course, a person who is ready to make decisions himself and be responsible for his actions cannot but be annoyed by the constant correction of his actions. It turns out that all mother's tips and advice only point to the daughter's lack of intelligence and independence. Tired of strict supervision and control, the adult daughter tries to minimize her mother's intrusion into her life. What is surprising about this?

A very common situation is when a mother, who has devoted herself entirely to her child, neglecting her own life and career, reproaches the grown child for ingratitude, inattention, and so on. The daughter accepts a "similar sacrifice" until she grows up. But living on her own, becoming an adult, she may develop a sense of guilt towards her mother. It is possible that she will prefer the role of a martyr and lose faith in the possibility of building her personal happiness, resolutely rejecting it.

"Mother is a dictator" chooses a school, circles, hobbies, friends, suitors for the child. The mother, confident in her position, will not stop distributing her advice and orders to her adult daughter, perceiving the refusal as a personal insult.

A woman with an imperious and strong character influences her daughter's will by blackmail and manipulation. In the event that she managed to break the will of a teenage girl, the personal life of the latter may not work out at all. The daughter is constantly dependent on her mother, and the mother, often not realizing the perniciousness of her actions, simply deprives the child of the opportunity to build her own destiny. Meanwhile, an adult girl with a high degree of internal independence has the right to a personal opinion.

Only when the mother can internally let go of her child, stop interfering and teaching him, the girl will be able to build her life, even through mistakes, but she needs to become an experienced mature woman, gain worldly experience. Even if it is not possible to reach an agreement, we must try to be more tolerant of each other, reconsider our categorical position and comprehend the motives of our actions.

Why do people who from childhood aspire to success, significant achievements, social and property superiority, in adulthood, setting ambitious goals for themselves, repeatedly fail and face failures?

“It feels like I’m doomed to fail. Each of my undertakings either sluggishly bends, or triumphantly breaks off! - Marinka thought with some kind of pleasure, limp in her chair. "What kind of punishment is this?"

Another project that promised undoubted success failed. Marinka relaxed and, having received a well-deserved scolding from her superiors, she could cry at the villainous fate. “Mom will read morality again ...” she thought, sighing. “Idiot! Embarrassed again! I told you not to stick your head out!" - mimicking her mother, grumbled Marinka peevishly.

Parents and children. We are so different!

Marinka's mother was her complete opposite. Neat, thorough and corrosive, from childhood she sawed the nimble and restless Marinka for impulsiveness, inability to complete what she started and disobedience.

It was very important for the girl Marinka to compete, win all games, organize everyone and take on everything at once. Naturally, neither the time nor the strength was already enough for attention to detail and trifles. And what about spots on a skirt or holes on tights, when a victory in a tag or a new record is at stake? How can you sit so much on school homework and rewrite several times because of a couple of corrections?

Marinka did her homework sitting on the edge of her chair, turning her legs towards the door in order to run faster, win, achieve and organize the process. “In order to be successful, you need to do everything,” Marinka believed. And she rushed to implement her next idea, make new attempts, manage processes and succeed, getting into everything that happens and rehearsing in her childhood games the role of a leader, which she will definitely succeed when she grows up. For which she was regularly reprimanded by her mother.

Marina's mother appreciated order, cleanliness and quality. She was unhurried, pedantic and reasonable. Before making a decision, she thought for a long time, weighed, consulted with authorities and turned to competent sources. Therefore, the character of her daughter and her actions caused her a lot of complaints, rejection and criticism.

“Well, how is it possible, I don’t understand!” she was indignant. “I’m teaching, I’m teaching you, you fool, but there’s no point! Here you grow up, and you will remain zero without a wand! Slut! No one will marry you or hire you! You can't finish a single thing properly, stupid! It's embarrassing in front of the neighbors because of you!" Mother Marina whipped at her naked, unformed sense of her own importance.

But the more a child burns with a great desire for success and superiority, the more painful it is for him to hear from the closest person - mothers derogatory nicknames and caustic criticism addressed to him.

Why does mom always criticize?

According to the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan, each person is naturally endowed with a set of psychophysical properties - vectors that determine desires, character and its direction of realization in life.

In our story, Marina's neat and pedantic mother, according to Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology, is the bearer of the anal vector. People with an anal vector are characterized by such properties as attention to detail, concentration, slowness, a penchant for analysis, perfectionism, love for cleanliness and order, and the ability to finish what they started.

Such properties are given to people with an anal vector to realize their natural role - to clean everything they touch, to the end, to the point, to make it perfect. The unused talent of a critic, who knows the subject thoroughly and is called upon to correct any inaccuracy, any mistake for the good of the cause, is manifested by criticism in the family. When it comes to a woman with an anal vector, we are also talking about sexual non-realization. Criticism in the female performance in relation to the daughter becomes an obsessive search for shortcomings in her and verbal sadistic - mockery of her.

It often happens that children and parents have different sets of vectors. A mother looks at her child through her mental properties. And he sees not a unique talented person who needs a special approach to education in order to maximize the development of her special qualities, but a failed, corrupted copy of herself. Which leads to dissatisfaction with the behavior of the child and attempts to "correct" him. But this only hinders the development of the child's innate talents.

The development of natural properties occurs before puberty. And the parents, especially the mother, and then the teachers and the environment have a great influence. In adulthood, a person uses his properties to the extent that they have been developed, benefiting society, getting satisfaction from realizing the value of his contribution to people's lives, realizing himself, using the potential given by nature.

The makings of a leader

Natalya Semenova, psychologist

The article was written using materials from online trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan
Chapter:

Understanding the process of growing up a daughter for any mother is perceived as the fact that her participation in the life of a child is no longer a necessity. The fact that the child has grown up a long time, not everyone can accept.

But even for a daughter who saw her mother as something integral to life, cutting the invisible umbilical cord can be an overwhelming task. Especially if the relationship was close and trusting.

The relationship between mother and adult daughter. Psychology

So that common grievances between a mother and an adult daughter do not become overwhelming for both parties, you will have to go through several stages of relationships that will help change the situation for the better.

A few rules that will help in solving problems:

Important to remember! Only understanding the problem, where the mother and adult daughter do not find a common language, will be the starting point on the way to resolving it. Of course, it is impossible to find a compromise solution, only thanks to one sincere conversation. There is a long way to go to meet. This applies to both sides.

Teenage mother-daughter relationship

Transitional age is a difficult period in the life of parents and children. Dealing with emotions can sometimes seem like a daunting task. How should a mother behave so as not to lose trust and authority in the eyes of her daughter?

Unconditional love

A little girl from an early age should know and understand that she is loved by anyone and always.. Very often, parents who are overprotective of their daughter end up with a completely out of control child in adolescence.

And, on the contrary, in families with strict morals, girls grew up with a victim complex, confident that love for oneself must be earned. In adulthood, it is not easy for such women to find a worthy man, since the understanding of unconditional love is alien to them.

Full communication

Due to their employment, not all parents are able to devote all their time to the child. In adolescence, a daughter, deprived of parental attention, is unlikely to share the details of her "adult" life.

In order to be aware of all the events in the midst of which the child rotates, the mother should communicate with him more often. Warm conversations in the kitchen over a cup of tea about how the day went should become a family tradition.

The task of the mother is to develop the individuality of her daughter, without imposing her ideals on her.

It's important to understand! The main goal of such communication for the mother should not be to find out all the secrets and impose her opinion on her daughter. You need to learn to listen and hear your child.

Common Traditions

Yet before the onset of a “difficult age”, you need to take care of creating common traditions for mother and daughter. Perhaps it will be cooking a family dinner on a day off, a trip out of town, a trip to a cafe or a beauty salon. The main thing is that these traditions belong only to mother and daughter and are not violated under any pretext.

Thrift

It is quite difficult to involve a teenager in household chores, because it is much more interesting to spend time with friends than washing dishes and cleaning. Therefore, it is important to instill these skills in a girl from childhood. Let him learn to put things in order in his room from early childhood.

Cooking food

It can also be an interesting activity, if, for example, its implementation will be of a competitive nature. The competition "who tastes better" will be useful for all family members: both mom and daughter will spend time together, and dad is happy. You can bake a cake or cookies together and invite your daughter's friends to tea.

Manifestation of individuality

The task of the mother is to develop the individuality of her daughter, without imposing her ideals on her. Often parents strive to realize personal goals and ambitions. The main goal is to direct the child in the right direction, without breaking the innate individual traits and without encroaching on the daughter's personal interests.

This does not mean that you should keep your opinion to yourself. It is necessary to warn the growing daughter against possible risks. But this must be done very delicately.

Friends and acquaintances

It is quite natural that the daughter's new friends do not really like the parents. But limiting this communication means that the mother will soon fall out of the circle of trust. The best thing a loving parent can do is try to get in touch with her daughter's new acquaintances.

In most cases, it turns out that these people do not pose any threat to the child. Otherwise, you must contact the relevant authorities.

The most popular article of the rubric:

Kindness and Mercy

A common situation: a child brings home a small animal offended by fate and stumbles upon a wall of misunderstanding on the part of parents. If you support care for your neighbor in your daughter from childhood, then there is no doubt that an adult woman with a big kind heart will grow out of her.

Difficult relationship between adult daughter and mother. Psychology

Mother and adult daughter can be both in perfectly harmonious relations, and in openly hostile ones, but these relations are almost never neutral. The mother sees her daughter as an extension of herself. and if the daughter always criticizes, then this, as a rule, symbolizes the mother's dissatisfaction with herself.

The same goes for the reverse situation. If an adult daughter constantly reproaches her mother for something, then rather this is an indicator of insolvency in life. It is easier to blame than to take on the entire burden of responsibility. Usually this behavior is inherent in immature personalities.

Psychologists distinguish 3 stages of the relationship of the daughter in relation to the mother:

• be near;
• let me go;
• leave me alone.

Common relationship mistakes:

Otherwise, when the daughter blindly follows her mother's instructions, the mother begins to demand that her daughter think about marriage. At the same time, potential applicants are also selected by the mother. It remains for the daughter to either accept this or stop her mother's attempts to participate in this process.

These and other situations haunt the already matured daughter, exerting a powerful influence on her life and worldview. In addition, such an attitude brings discord in the relationship of the two closest people.

When communication is reduced to the fact that the mother reproaches or imposes her point of view through moralizing, it becomes impossible.

And here for the daughter there are several ways to solve the situation:

Also, if previous attempts were unsuccessful, then perhaps the mother simply was not ready for such a conversation at that time. Perhaps what her child said hurt her and made her think about her mistakes, Don't put pressure on her.

In the end, the problem should be solved by the one who feels the whole burden of it. Perhaps some act of the mother, which still haunts her daughter, was justified by the fact that at that moment she simply could not do otherwise. The mother must be accepted as she is and you should not try to change her.

If it seems that the mother does not love the daughter. What are the causes and symptoms

The portrait of a girl who is deprived of maternal love is quite typical. They are inconspicuous and have a timid character. Communication skills are absent, as a result of which they do not find an outlet in friendships. As a rule, such children are from dysfunctional families.

Popular article heading:

In some cases, such daughters are raised by women who have achieved some success in the professional and financial spheres, but have absolutely no interest in their children.

Indirect signs indicating that the mother does not love her daughter:

• unwillingness to participate in the daughter's life;
• imposing a sense of duty to the parent;
• detached, cold attitude of mother to daughter;
• aggression, possibly assault.

It is impossible to re-educate an adult personality or to instill a maternal instinct in a woman who does not have it. So there are two ways out of this situation: either the daughter accepts her mother as she is and leaves attempts to change her, or it is worth strictly limiting communication.

The portrait of a girl who is deprived of maternal love is quite typical. They are inconspicuous and have a timid character.

What does a mother's hateful attitude towards her daughter lead to:

• isolation and complexes of the daughter;
• lack of manifestation of feminine traits;
• self-doubt and self-doubt;
• lack of desire to become a mother.

Authoritarian mother and daughter - psychology

A separate case in the relationship of mother and adult daughter and their psychology – authoritarian parent. Such mothers are confident in their own exclusivity and demand from their daughters the fullest conformity to them. The slightest offense is identified with one's own behavior. Therefore, the daughters of such mothers have no right to make a mistake.

1. Lack of emotional connection between mother and daughter.
2. Total control over the behavior of her daughter, the constant imposition of her point of view and behavior.

Such the mother is not at all interested in the inner world of the child. There are no age limits for an authoritarian mother. In childhood, she may not pay attention to the experiences of her own child, since the problem does not exist for her.

For her, the situation looks far-fetched, while in the eyes of a little girl the whole world is collapsing.

Later, the situation takes on a different character - the mother controls her daughter at all stages of development and in all areas of life. She requires her daughter to be constantly in touch, kept up to date with all her affairs. At the same time, the parent makes adjustments to her life, because "I am a mother, I know better."

Note! There is a difference between an authoritarian mother and an authoritative one. There is nothing reprehensible in the fact that a parent in the eyes of a child is an authority. On the contrary, such mothers grow strong-willed, self-confident daughters, as they had an example in front of them, an indicator of what a woman should be.

To understand the gravity of the situation an authoritarian mother should look at herself from the outside and urgently change her behavior strategy. Otherwise, the result of such upbringing will be a lethargic, lack of initiative adult daughter.

Or, if it was not possible to break the character, then the daughter, ultimately, will stop any communication with such a mother.

The first thing a mother who has recognized signs of authoritarianism in her behavior can do is to take care of herself.. Having a favorite pastime will reduce the time for correcting the behavior of your child.

It is necessary to change the strategy of behavior. For example, instead of the usual reproaches about the daughter's "wrong" behavior, try to support and accept her decision. It may not be superfluous to give practical advice, but it should not take the form of a reproach or instruction.

Finally, you need to give your daughter the right to make possible mistakes and find ways to resolve them. To do this, you can take the position of an outside observer.

For a daughter, the best way to solve the problem of mother's authoritarianism is to take full responsibility for her own life. From now on, all decisions should be made by the daughter on her own, even if they run counter to the mother's ideas. This also applies to liability for possible consequences.

To shift them to the mother means to hand over to her the reins of control over the life of her daughter.

It is necessary to establish an invisible barrier and, in any attempt by the mother to impose her own model of behavior, do not respond to her moralizing. You can try to talk and discuss the current situation, but prepare in advance for the fact that the mother is unlikely to adequately perceive the experiences of her daughter.

It is better to react to all her arguments calmly and neutrally, without trying on reproaches, so the daughter will make it clear that she will not be able to piss off her mother. This behavior will help avoid scandal and also reduce the likelihood of similar attacks in the future.

Relationship between mother and adult daughter after marriage

Mother and adult daughter after marriage run the risk of being on both sides of the barricades. For a parent, accepting the fact that her little girl has grown up and no longer needs her mother's care is unbearable in itself.

A mother who is used to instructing her child, sharing experience and teaching is now forced to watch her child, as if from a distance.

The situation is aggravated by the fact that after the wedding, the beloved daughter spends the vast majority of time with her young spouse, which is why the mother begins to acutely feel the lack of precious attention from her daughter. In this case, the newly-made son-in-law is perceived with hostility.

In order to get out of this situation and not spoil relations, both sides must make some concessions.

On the stages of the relationship between mother and adult daughter:

Psychology of the relationship between mother and adult daughter:

Good morning, Olga.

Understood you. The problem is not rare. You can decide by understanding the reason and satisfying your mother's motivation, for one thing and lowering her self-esteem, which will simultaneously show that you are very smart. At the same time, it will be necessary to react to her tears as if they did not exist at all.

I don't know what your rank is, but given that you're in the police force, you probably know that sometimes it's worth being tougher on suspects than you really are in order to get the right information to confess, in other words, to get the result you want.

First you need to deal with tears and conscience, because this is what prevents you from completing the case. When you are already breaking through her defense and you can convince her, because she has nothing to say, and she hears you, although she doesn’t really listen to you (this is enough to convince her), she starts doing what she thinks will stop your actions - she starts cry knowing that you HAVE to feel the same when you don't really have to. Perhaps you are thinking at this time, what would happen if my daughter did this to me. Don't think it's nonsense. Your daughter would do this to you if she, too, became fed up with the rules and began to teach how to properly stick a fork into food. I'm sure that you can handle this yourself, but if anything - please contact.

Now it’s worth saying that you need to identify your mom’s motivation. In other words: it is necessary to understand why she does it and what it gives her.

Most people are taught from childhood to be smarter than they are and to build smart faces, because it’s supposed to be. It is necessary that you be told “you are smart, you are brought up like that, because you even sacrifice yourself for the sake of others, and this is good.” This is complete nonsense, and it is not at all good for someone who thinks so, because you can sacrifice yourself for the sake of others, but when you personally want it and if it brings you pleasure.

Most likely, your mother wants to finally hear that she is very smart and that she lived her life right. She demands from you her “correctly”, because she is completely sure that she herself lives correctly. However, the very word "correct" implies certain rules that many people tend to impose. She wants to make you play her game by her own rules. In her world they don't tie knots the way you do. In her world, door handles should be at a 12-degree angle, and in yours, there are more serious things to do than keep an eye on the little things that are not critical.

Find a way to make your mom feel like the smartest woman in the world. Play with her the game "mom tell me how to live." Spend an hour or two intelligently staring at her and asking tons of questions so your mom doesn't have time to fully answer them all. I repeat once again that this should be done with the face of the daughter, and not the investigator, otherwise the effect will not be what you need. Sometimes she will want to break away from this conversation, but do not let her do this and keep asking. Ask about everything, from how a woman should behave correctly, ending with how to quickly make repairs, who should do them and how exactly.

But this is only the first part. This part will give you the right to say “Mom, when we talked about everything with you then, you already told me this, I remember that. Please do not repeat the same thing several times, because smart and wise people do not do that.

The second is that you need to skillfully reduce each of her statements to the point of absurdity. You need to make her laugh at what she says. Try to enter the state of an obedient girl, copy the entire pose of your mother, and then say exactly the same as she says to you, only a little differently.

Example: You make exactly the same smart face as hers, sit down just like her, put your hands in the same way as she does and make gestures that she makes when she speaks.

You're still a fool, she says.

You're a fool already - you say, smiling.

Break her patterns with something to make her laugh, and while she's confused give instructions like "Mom, you better think about what's more important to you, what are your plans for my life or my happiness ". Use expressions that encourage you to think and make difficult choices. At this time, she will begin to think, and you can lead her to the behavior you need. intruding into her thoughts.

It should also be remembered that a person always strives to do what is more pleasant for him than something else. In other words: at the moment she is pleased to teach you and see your reaction to it. She is pleased that she feels you are "silly". She understands that someone else needs and all her nonsense teachings too. But what happens if she not only stops receiving it, but also gets the opposite effect? She will acquire a conditioned reflex that as soon as she begins to lecture you, she feels that as a result she will be unpleasant.

You understand that with the help of an electric shock and a piece of sugar, incredible results can be achieved in training any living creature capable of tasting sweets and electric shock.

Therefore, periodically sharply and quickly change your behavior from “obedient daughter” to “public prosecutor” and begin to bend your line on the topic “Many people in our time become dumber with old age, and not at all wiser as it was before.”. Make fun of her arguments and achievements that she is proud of, after which you say that everything she knows and everything she does “right” has led her not to success in life, but to the fact that she has become a whiny, nervous and completely disgustingly behaving mother, which you don’t just not want to be like, but which you don’t even want to hear, let alone listen to. Find jokes on the topic, and when she wants to make you make excuses again - don't make excuses, but just tell her a joke and look at her like she didn't understand it at all. Then leave the phrase about the fool who is already and continue to go about your business as if nothing had happened. Practice shows that three times are enough to gain a reflex, but just in case, repeat this 10-15 times, just to be sure.

Constantly describe to her the desired behavior. Describe how mothers who are loved and told that they are needed actually behave. In other words: designate new rules of behavior with you and when she does something wrong, clearly tell her that she is “silly” and does it wrong, because ... and let's go why.

Now about control over you.

Again, given that you serve in the police, I think it’s enough for you to simply understand which people cannot be controlled, even if you were convinced that everyone can be controlled. :)

It is impossible to control people who are sure that in this life they have nothing to lose, that everything is temporary and sooner or later each of this world will leave on their own or not on their own. If this person is not afraid of pain or death, and even if he can maintain his state for as long as he likes, maintaining mental stability, and is also physically trained and has cunning, then hardly anyone can influence him. Maybe even just from the fact that they will not be able to catch up.

Mom enters the room without knocking, because she won't get anything for it. If you throw something at the door several times in a row at the moment she comes in without knocking, and then apologize that you don’t seem to do it on purpose, then next time she will probably think about whether to knock so that nothing comes into her “accidentally ".

You can also shout out an order sharply. I don't know if you've ever worked in such a tough manner, but try it. Shout something like "Close the door!" Most likely, she will first close, and then she will think why, and she will find excuses for herself and you.

Try what I suggested, it will most likely work. But before that, clearly indicate for yourself what exactly you want to get as a result, because you don’t need to do this just in order to “calm down” your mother. It is necessary to give her a new variant of behavior, explaining the inefficiency of the old one.

I can say a lot more about this, but I won’t do it now, otherwise it will turn out to be a book :)

I wish you success in re-educating your mother, but most importantly, be happy yourself and remember that your home is not the only place where you can be truly happy.