Once, one of the most beloved those anecdotes were six hundred Mercedes and Zaporozhets. Times are changing, and now the place of Mercedes occupies a limousine. It is with a trip to the limousine that the beautiful life is associated, or how fashionly talk, "coolness".

To cheer you, we made a small selection of jokes, caricatures and just funny cases with limousines.
Read, look and laugh!

Of course, happiness does not depend on the amount of money, but it is better to cry in a limousine than in the bus.

The arguments about the destinies of the fatherland on leather sites of limousines sound more penetrating and mentally than in the queues on the labor exchange.

How to arrange a catcard for a wedding?
Tie a bunch of valeroans to the limousine, and all cats of the city will run behind your car. Limousine is crashed at the intersection in the ass "Maybahu" with tinted windows. From the limousine, the oligarch pops up, and the General FSB general comes from the "Maybach", and says:
"Well, you got, a man ... okay, take away, go to Siberia." Let's see our petroleum fields. At the same time, I will select my colony ...

We are going with a colleague around the city, the limousine flies by. I loud:
- Eh, how good it is on it 6-meter boards transport!

Limousine is a humiliated bus ...

Announcement in the section "Work":
I am looking for a job with your limousine (Catafalk). I bury, dismember, silence and cleanly guarantee. I work at night. Seats do not give out. "Job, and I saw that at the house where your mother-in-law lives, a black limousine-katafalk stood. What can I get you?
- Oh, what are you talking about! In this house, quaptp, this is such a lot. On Zaporizhia Auto Plant mastered the release of a new limousine model. The model is called "Pay". - And yet the best limousines do in Russia!
- Just for some reason caterpillar And with a gun ... - They say, after joining the WTO, prestigious limousines and cars should be cheaper.
- Now it is clear for whom we tried to join there.

Stops before the Limousine traffic light, suddenly the most powerful blow. The driver of limousine leaves, looks at him Mercedes crashed. The first drove tells the second:
- Where did you come from, I drove Zaporozhets for me!
And the second in response:
- TSSSS, it between us! The groom in front of the wedding enters the confectionery and says:
- I have a wedding today! There, on the street, there is a limousine - it is necessary to decorate it: the hood of whipped cream, the roof of the cream roses, and the trunk of the candies!
- And if the traffic police stop?
- Erunda! I will give a shot to lick ... I ordered a black limousine to the wedding and tells the bride on the phone:
- Dear, I ordered a limousine on our wedding.
- What color?
- How did you ask, bodily. - What makes cool for Easter?
- Color the limousines in different colors and knock on! - As on the bribed Uaazik, I will come on fishing, swarming, around silence. As on a limousine with a driver, so from somewhere women appear, they begin to swim next naked.
- Also fishing ... - I have three cherished desires!
- What kind?
- Rich bridegroom, cottage and limousine for a wedding.
- And it's all?
- No! ... wife husband:
- Dear, and what will you give me a birthday?
- Do you remember our wedding limousine?
- Yes!
- That's exactly the same color tights! New Russian has a child born. He arrives in the hospital, as it should be on a limousine, comes out of the car, behind two bodyguards drag the rose ohaphk. It comes out of the maternity hospital, all in furs, behind her old lamb with a child. The old woman comes to the new Russian:
- Congratulations! You have a son! 3500!
- No problem, milf! - pulls out the wallet and starts counting the bucks. The banker gave a diamond necklace his wife on the anniversary. The wife is sorry:
- Dear, you knew that I wanted a limousine with a driver!
- I know. That's just I did not find a store where fake limousines are sold. Of all the cars, Stirlitz preferred Limousine "Mercedes", thereby showing true German patriotism, so useful for conspiracy.
At the same time, Stirlitz very rejoiced that he was not a German spy in Russia, otherwise it would have to ride on the "Zaporozhet".

As a rule, ordinary people personally concern the topic of limousines only when they decide which car to rent for a wedding corteage (in the extreme case, for a date with a girlfriend). Naturally, I want the marriage to remember for a lifetime, so the cars are chosen the most. And what could be better than a luxury limousine for the bride and groom? Perhaps nothing. However, there is one important legal problem, and if it is not solved, then in a few years it is almost impossible to order a limousine in our country ..

For a start, find out who makes limousines
It turns out that they are in principle not manufactured on automotive plants! Their all over the world make exclusively small companies: they buy a car - "donor", cut it in half,

Made "insert" with a length of 1.5 - 6 meters, weld all this, reinforce, extend cardan Val., wiring, make interior elements, paint, collect ...

and get this charm.

Until recently, there were 2 ways to update the Limousine Park - the Venus ready because of the border (usually from the USA) and the manufacturer (stretch) in Russia.

The first way - imports - closed at the end of 2008. To bring the limousine to Russia, of course, it is possible, but the TCP to get - no longer. The reason is that before the TCP issued customs on the fact of importation, and now it is required for this. from the manufacturer.

And in the US, such a document did not see if they did not see such a document. There are the best quality controllers - not supervisory authorities, but a consumer and judicial system: if, God forbid, something happens to the passengers of limousine because of the technical malfunction, the manufacturer will instantly go out. Therefore, manufacturers without any leather officials are climbing, so that with their limousines everything is in order. But in Russia without a papers ( vehicle type approval) You do not need anyone, therefore, even if you have imported limousine, then put it on accounting, and it means that it will not be operated.

Importing limousines very soon came up. But misfortunes did not happen - appeared domestic manufacturers. Moreover, according to the quality of "Russian" limousines, no difference from imported. After making, collected cars We passed the tests in us (Central Research Automotive Automobile and Avtomotone Institute), acquired the necessary paper and received on this basis new category D, as well as a new mass and capacity.

Everyone was happy until the state "made a horse's move": introduced a ban on the change in the TCP of the manufactured limousines. Now change categories and mass can not be made to documents, even having vehicle type approval from us. Those there is a limousine can, but to register or remove it no longer succeed. So were "killed" several domestic producers.

The most ridiculous that there are no solutions that wins from this decision, because it is impossible to import limousines. And lost everything: and manufacturers, and rental companies, consumers. The park already standing in the traffic police of limousines older. Money for their content and repair must be investing more and more, and therefore rental prices will grow, but reliability will decrease. And then the "Russian" limousines will completely disappear.

It is necessary to introduce clear and reasonable rules of the game, in which cars or can be taken out from abroad, or to refine in Russia with registration on legal grounds. Otherwise, after a while, all the limousines in our country will be with "Latvian numbers" with all the ensuing consequences ...

When we see the elongated car on the streets of the city, then we immediately refer to his limousine and with admiration and bewilderment. It admires us by scope, we imagine the luxury of the interior of the cabin, the stars of show business or real oligarchs sitting on leather sofas and eating caviar with spoons.

And we perplex because we cannot understand the feasibility of such a car. Obviously, the limousine is not easy at turns, it is clearly not enough for its security, it is not suitable for 90% of the goals in which we use the car, and indeed limousine often seems a colossusion on clay legs.

By the way, the main reason for the fact that the owners of limousines can be counted on the fingers, is not at all the cost of such machines. There is a lot of more expensive models that are more in demand. Cause precisely in the specifics of the car and too narrow the possibilities of its use. It is unlikely that a person in a sense reason will acquire armored limousine just in order to ride with chic in the city.

That is why the owners of such cars around the world have fewers. But companies passing limousines for rent, buy them much more active. Benefit from such a rolling car can be easily imagined, even without applying the CASCO calculator.

Nowadays, limousines are used in the hire. That is, you can for a certain, very moderate fee for such pleasure, order a limousine that will take you from the entrance and takes you to. This is especially true for weddings, secular rounds and luxury club parties, where so you want to arrive in all our glory.

Limousine salon is a museum, disco and bar at the same time. What only do not come up with manufacturers in order to improve the already luxurious luminous salons. Here you can meet the imitation of the starry sky, and the aquariums, and the laser show complete with the professional sound, which can be stunned by the nearby quarter.

Limousine passenger, or passengers (after all, this machine can easily accommodate a whole hockey team) is not just comfortable during the trip. They are secured by everything that can only dream of - from a variety of alcoholic beverages to satellite Internet. In the limousine you can live and work, and this car is ideal for those who cannot distract from their affairs for a second.

Therefore, the president moves on such a car, so such many dream about it, for whom the benefit from using such a car covers all the concerns about its inexpediency and too high cost.

A man arrives at the airport, suddenly run to him:
- Dear Signor Pavarotti, well, finally ... And we are waiting for you, waiting ...
The man answers:
- You are mistaken, guys. I am not Pavarotti at all ...
And him:
- Signor Luciano, we all understand, no one will know, incognito full ...
Plant His B. luxurious limousine. Guy again:
- I tell you, not Pavarotti, I ... I didn't know how to sing sideways. Well
For cases?
- Do not worry, Luciano, no reporter spoils ...
They bring in a superwood, give the best room.
- Well, what are you squeezed? Well, tired already. What am I Pavarotti?
- Signor Luciano, well, we agreed, everything will be as you like,
secret...
Brought into a small room, the table is amazingly served for two, caviar,
langusti ...
Guy, sitting at the table:
"You guys fuck, I tell you exactly." Cretina. Twenty times
I repeat ...
At that moment the door opens, an awesome chick is included, smiling,
takes the second chair ...
Guy (in all the throat):
- About Sole, about Sole Mio !!

"Ponads mustache!"

Ukraine to be in Europe! -
(Do not sit in the same age in dill!)! -
New plan Saakashvilin -
The fruit of all three of his convolutions!
(Sorry, does not see the plan of Europe
And through a microscope!)
Ukraine - Shield, Reduce,
All the ways in it are leading!
That the protection of that Europe
Do not hold a short
And before Kiev in debt,
What is not given to the "enemy"!
"That would see Europe
In us partner, not hull!
Europeans! Not in the versal
Your value is in our fat! "

Userving the European Spirit
Mikho created movement "Ruh".
And every Ukrainian Georgian
Limousine promised
But his wife, hochlushka -
Only by a voyage-bass ...
Rusty Rusty Rusty -
For the fear of all other superpowers!

Superproof Europe: Saakashvili promised to raise Ukraine from his knees for 5 years. Included can turn into a leading European policy player. The European Union will not survive without Ukraine, and, in fact, Europe in debt to Ukrainians. Kiev can dictate its conditions.

At the beginning of the war, the Mercedes car came in the hands of the Austrian commander of General Nethek. Not a single battle led by the cavalry did not win, and his car used as a staff car, constantly brought bad news from the front. After the defeat of the array of general, at Valowo, Patevk was forced to resign. He retired to his estate, where he soon went crazy and died suddenly. At this time, one captain put on a luxurious limousine, which in 1915 she crashed into a military truck. When accidenting, the driver died, the captain himself and his two orders.
After the end of the war, the ill-fated car goes into the hands of the Military Commandant of Yugoslavia. In 1919, the car, turning over once again, kills the driver, and the commandant lost his right hand. On this military service The fatal car ended, and in 1923 it was sold to auction to one successful doctor.
However, two years did not pass, as the machine falls into another accident - on perfectly roven road She suddenly turned over, and the doctor died. At the same time, two peasants walking on the side of the sidelines were bitten.
Bloody trace behind the damned car stretches further. After the tragic death of the Eskulap, he changed four more owners, three of which also found their death in the accident, and the fourth committed suicide. In the future, under the wheels of this car, pedestrians, as well as one car mechanic, taking it after another repair. Her last owner, Tibor Hirschfield, returning from the wedding together with the bride and four of his friends, on full move Faced with the bus. All died.
The total number of victims of the car killer was just awful - 22 people! Now this car, after the reconstruction, is located in the museum of the city of Vienna. And these are some non-coordinate fell. Do not want to pay for the work done - and that's it. Trumps with your coolness, involvement in one "socio-political union". In general, radishes are natural ...
I just thought to dismiss, move to the capital. And here is the chef, when I came to him for the calculation, right and said:
- Your client? Is yours. Should they do we? One hundred pounds. So drive and knock the debt as you want. You will bring loot - I will pay how much it should be, but no - sorry.
I looked at myself in the mirror ... Sleeping Chang-Botan. The costume is cheap, with a tie of the film to the then fashion. Well, who is not what it is frightened - and will you seriously take? But there is nothing to do ... I sat down in my barn penny, yes she rolled his debtors to the office. And they quartered on the outskirts, near the factories. I arrived, I go to the reception room to the main thing that was interested in the subject of its presence. No, they say. Well, I answer it, I'll wait on the street, in the car.
I go out - and we think that I don't even know how he looks like. Only the name-patronymic and gave me. But come back, ask - insideous somehow. Walked to her kopeyushka. Sat down, waiting. Hour, two, three. So as not to be bored - the book grabbed, I read, yes on the bookmark periodically looking at the photo - the photo of my beautiful-worm-haired.
I put the car opposite the entrance to the building. My calculation is how it will go to what limousine is cool - so I am right to him and approach. No one, apart from the director of them in such a transport, cannot move.
Until the evening, it was worthwhile - no limousines arrived. In general, somehow empty in the parking lot, and no one comes from the building or goes out. Only the curtain at the windows of the receptionist sometimes kils.
The clock in 8 it became very dark - I think there is no point in waiting. District again is not the most calm - there is nothing to do here at night. He left home unsolon bumping.
The next day - exactly the same. I came - asked - I was sent - I went to the car - I sat until the evening. And again - silence, only birds tweet.
And on the third day, in the morning, our chef caught me. Wound to the office. Hands the envelope chubby. I recalculated - there is over what I was supposed to be, a large amount. I raise my eyes with a dumb question.
- paid, says. Today the money fell on the bill.
"And also, he said, called me on the pipe early in the morning their main:" You did not understand us, we do not want war. And we do not need to send the roller. "
The mael is a killer, if anyone did not know.
"I immediately sketched him: Drish in glasses, mowing a statement. The car is clearly stupid, sits, pretends that the book reads - and the entrance itself is the entrance, but with a photo he is checked. Nerves, of course, has ropes: It is bangible, does not hide, it is not afraid that it will be removed very much. Mother of the beast, in short. " Kank, hung: -ded !!! You got me!!! This press !!! Did you understand? !! Vladimir Vladimirovich comes to
boss and shouts:
Tywood! Hi, how are you? Where to
disappeared? Let's dine today!
Tolya answers him:
Not Volodya, I can not. I am working,
come on the evening.
Well, they agreed, Putin sat in
machine and left. New Russian
just in shock! Suddenly approach
second limousine, it comes out
Lukashenko and shouts homeless:
Tolya, hello! How are you? Where to
disappeared? Let's dine today! ?
Tolya says:
Today I can not, I am with Putin
agreed, let's go tomorrow?
Well, in short, they agreed. New
russian in the meantime fell to zero.
He comes to the homeless and asks:
How do you know such people you
same homeless
I don't know there!
And you know Pope?
Well, I know.
The new Russian thought and says:
Come on this: I pay us a trip
in Rome, if I see you stand
on the balcony with dad roman, then I will give
you so much money that you will have enough
grandchildren in the 13th generation. Bum
agreed. The next day they
arrived in Rome, on the square near

Sits the homeless near the station begins. There is a new Russian, he sees this picture, well, he has fun in his heart, he approaches the homeless, throws him 100 bucks and goes into the car. He did not have time to sit down how the limousine approaches and Putin comes from there. Vladimir Vladimirovich comes to the homeless and shouts: Toyan! Hi, how are you? Where did you disappear to? Let's dine today! Tolya answers him: not Volodya, I can not. I work, come on the evening. Well, they agreed, Putin sat in the car and left. New Russian just shocked! Suddenly the second limousine drives up, Lukashenko comes out of it and shouts homeless: Tolya, hello! How are you? Where did you disappear to? Let's dine today! ? Tolya says: today I can not, I agreed with Putin, let's go tomorrow? Well, in short, they agreed. New Russian in the meantime fell to zero. He comes to the homeless and asks: How do you know such people, are you homeless? I don't know there! And you know Pope? Well, I know. The new Russian thought and says: Come on: I pay us a trip to Rome if I see that you stand on the balcony with Pope Roman, then I will give you so much money that you will have enough your grandchildren in the 13th generation. The homeless agreed. The next day, they arrived in Rome, on the square near the Vatican Millions of people, they went to the first rows, the new Russian remained, and the roofy went. He passed all the protection, he was welcomed. The new Russian looks at the balcony and sees that Tolya sits at the table to Pope Roman and eats with him. Then they got up and began to wave to the people who came to the square. Suddenly, he sees that the new Russian fainted. The next day they met, and toly asks: Why did you lose consciousness? Well, I can understand Putin, I can understand Lukashenko, but when the Chinese delegation arrived and asked the guide: "Who is this in white next to the tolik?"

When we talk about limousines, then beaten axiom about luxury, cars and means of movement loses its meaning. This is not the fastest, not the safest and not most convenient car in management is a concentration of the concept of comfort, status and wealth. It is for these qualities that pay completely insane money.

First limousines

Initially, the limousine was called one of the varieties of the body of the car. However, after a car with exactly such a type of body fell in love with the wealthy segments of the population, under the term limousine began to understand expensive, representative vehicle. According to the generally accepted representations of that time, the body of the "classic" limousine was obliged to have a tough partition, separated by the driver's zone and passenger space of the cabin. The number of side windows is at least four, the number of doors is similar. Limousine's salon necessarily had two rows passenger seatsThe third row separated by the moving partition was intended for the driver and accompanying persons. Very often the driver's place remained open, unlike passenger seats, stubcounted in a robust body.

First limousines

One of the first manufacturers of serial limousines was the famous American designer Henry Lyland, who founded such giants of the automotive industry at the beginning of the last century, such as Cadillac and Lincoln Motor. In Limousines of Lyland, such innovative ideas were implemented, an electric starter, force aggregate With V-shaped piston accommodation and the world's first body with a rigid, metal roof. In the early 20s, Henry Lyland sells its company to another genius of the building of the building - Henry Ford, which displays the production of limousines to a new level. From this point on, Lincoln and Cadillaci are an integral part of the fleet of millionaires and presidents.

European companies grab the idea of \u200b\u200bAmerican designers. On the automotive market Old light appears similar products from Bentley Motors Ltd, Rolls-Royce Limited, Mercedes-Benz and other European Engineering flagships. European limousines prefer and royal people and great leaders. For example, the most discerning V.I. Lenin used the Rolls-Royce products - the official supplier of the Royal Great Britain.

Rolls-Royce Machines

Joseph Stalin preferred products of the Soviet Auto industry - Limousines of the plant own name - ZIS 101, ZIS 110, ZIS 115

Stretch-Limousine - Star Cars

Over time, limousine becomes part of the imagine of wealthy and famous man. Customers prestigious cars Not only rich buyers become, but also thirsting for the external attributes of the Society of Favorites. Limousines acquired eccentric pop stars and movies, seeking to consolidate the status of "truly famous." It is for this period that the history of limousines accounts for the time of unusual Stretch projects. New customers want to have a limousine based on the body of a popular brand car. Stretch-Limousine donors become popular models of full-size cars, SUVs and Sports. Such types of limousines are collected either by owners of small workshops or large tuning studies.

It is these projects that affect the imagination of the public with dimensions, unusual body forms and a unique interior of the cabin.

Limousine interiors

Contemporary Limousine - VIP service worker

Today, limousines no longer enjoy the former popularity. Yesterday's attribute of wealth gave way to expensive representatives of the representative class. Experts associate a similar tendency with modern ideas about the lifestyle of a wealthy person. Most people from this layer no longer seek to be preferred by "shut-off" of limousines aesthetics of rare and expensive hand assembly cars.

The "remaining afloat" models of limousines began work in the VIP service. However, in particularly solemn cases, most passengers still use limousine. "Stars", athletes, politicians, couples in love - prefer to "be in public" exclusively on limousines. And this means that this vehicle gained the cult status and will forever remain in universal culture.